Devil on My Shoulder
by FireBendingTimeLord
Summary: Iruka and Kakashi love each other, but past wounds keep Kakashi going back to someone else.  Sweet but sad chapter from a story I won't be publishing in entirety.


A/N: I don't know why I'm posting this, actually. It's not particularly good and it's completely out of context and features lots of angst from Iruka and one-sided KakaIru sex. Basically, it's a chapter of a story I wrote then abandoned because in the end, I can't STAND KakaSaku. Unfortunately, there is mention of it in this chapter, but it's all of 400 words out of about 2900 and limited to Kakashi saying that he only likes her because he's wrong in the head... If you don't want to hear it, stop after the sex. Consider yourselves warned.

* * *

The light blinked on in Iruka's small apartment. It was neat other than a littering of papers on the kitchen table, held down with a red ink pen. Kakashi looked them over as he was lowered on to one of the chairs.

"Stay right there. I'll get some iodine."

Kakashi let out a sigh after he left and started to test out parts of his body. His stomach felt like a shook-up soda, no doubt from the Gai-ride he took to get here. That aside, he didn't feel anything major: bruised shoulders, maybe a scratch or two. He rolled off his gloves, unzipped his vest and in a quick motion, pulled his shirt out of his pants, lifting it over his head as Iruka walked back in with a box full of bandages and salves. The discarded clothing clanked to floor as he knelt in front of Kakashi and held out a red-stained cotton ball.

"Show me where it hurts" Iruka ordered.

Kakashi burst out laughing and leaned down, cradling Iruka's chin in one hand, a smile playing on his lips. "I'm not one of your students!"

"I know that," Iruka huffed, pulling away, "and take off that mask. It's ridiculous."

Kakashi pulled down his mask and gave him a smile. Iruka twitched, betraying the dull nagging of an old wound. Calmly, Iruka stood up, gently placed the first aid supplies on the table and turned to walk out of the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

Iruka tried to ignore the words that scraped at the scars on his heart.

"Iruka..."

"Stop it."

"What am I supposed to call you then-"

He ground the heel of his hand into his eye in irriation. "Don't fuck with me, Kakashi."

Kakashi stood up and firmly grabbed Iruka's wrist, turned it upward and placed the red cotton ball back into his palm. "Get a hold of yourself," he whispered in the other man's ear.

Iruka gritted his teeth and bit back all the words of frustration that were poised on his tongue like sharpened shuriken. He took a deep breath before nodding his head in resignation. Composed, he turned around and put a hand on Kakashi's bare shoulder, directing him to sit on the table as he stepped in and examined a scrape on his shoulder. It looked clean, and he gave it a few swipes with the cotton ball, painting the older man's skin with streaks of yellowish-red.

Even though he was trying to be efficient and impassive, Iruka's fingertips brushed the smooth, white skin of Kakashi's bicep as he continued rubbing the iodine over the abrasion. His chest tightened as Kakashi's painfully nostalgic hisses filled the air around him, sucking the air from his lungs, while images of their past encounters flashed through his mind. He tried so hard to ignore the hot breath flowing through his hair and the warm, muscular arm his hand was brushing over, the skin and muscle tensing and relaxing in response to his first-aid treatment. Apparently even he, the ever-patient Iruka-sensei had a limit, and this was it. The cotton ball dropped from his hand, which trembled as it traced over the ANBU tattoo and moved down along the curve of his arm. His hand was visibly shaking now, betraying the fight between his mind telling him this was shameful and his body refusing to do anything but continue it's journey down the familiar expanse of Kakashi's skin. He wrapped his fingers below the man's elbow, thumbing the soft skin at the crook of his arm.

"Iruka..."

He looked up at the sound of his name and into eyes and cheeks and lips. The last time he had seen Kakashi like this, maskless and shirtless, they were a lot like this... It was just... The look in his eye was different now. It was too guarded, too patient - the same look Kakashi showed to everyone even after the cenotaph's removal when Iruka thought the jounin would openly rage with vengeance. Instead, that night and so many nights after, those mismatched eyes had turned to him with no trace of their placid laziness. Rather, they had glowed dark and ravenous, full of anger and vulnerability. It was a look Iruka feared and loved and wanted to own forever, to be his and only his. The grip around Kakashi's arm tightened. "Don't look at me like that," Iruka pleaded. Kakashi raised a curious eyebrow but suddenly felt the familiar press of Iruka's lips against his.

Kakashi didn't fight his kiss, which made Iruka's conflicted body shiver and shake even more, and when he bit at his lower lip, Kakashi obediently gave passage to his tongue. Iruka entered his mouth tentatively, almost shyly searching past Kakashi's lips and rough teeth to the hot, silky muscle of his tongue. He felt any shreds of pride and self-control shudder and fall away as he felt a large, warm hand press against his chest. He deepened the kiss, inhaling, grasping, leaning in further until he could feel Kakashi's body heat melt with his own, but the hand on his chest pressed harder, pushing him back slightly.

"This won't change reality, Iruka."

He didn't care. All he could think about was the two of them moving together, moaning and covered in each other's sweat. Fucking and coming until they were both sore and hoarse from screaming each others' names. If only he could get him to stay for one more night, one more hour, one more fuck, one more 'Iruka'...

"Just use me."

"What?"

"One last time... Use me like you did before, Kakashi. Whatever you need, I'll do it. The jounins are planning something, right? I'll fight beside you or behind you or..." he stopped short when Kakashi's lips touched his cheek.

"Then let me stay here a couple nights a week," he purred. Iruka melted and simmered like butter in a hot pan. "I promise to make it worth your while."

Iruka weakly nodded once in agreement. It was surreal to have Kakashi back just like that after all those months of longing. It didn't seem real, the feel of Kakashi's mouth trailing down his jaw, of his shirt being pushed up and over his head. He was suspicious of the hand that travelled up his spine and gripped his neck, pulling him in for a rough kiss, but the fingers now trailing down to his waist were so warm and familiar, he couldn't help but feebly give in to every touch and every taste that was his Kakashi.

His belt and zipper were deftly undone and he found himself naked with his obvious arousal exposed to the older jounin once again. He heard the pen clatter to the floor and the rustle of papers floating to the ground as he was pulled up on the kitchen table straddling Kakashi's hips. The table creaked under their combined weight, but if Iruka noticed, he didn't care. Instinctively he ground his erection into Kakashi's abdomen and a moan rolled off his tongue as the friction ignited his whole body. He wrapped his arms around the jounin's neck, silver hairs tickling his dark skin and sending shivers up and down his spine. Fingers wound into his hair and pulled his head back forcefully, teeth scraped at his neck, and his skin was so heated that Kakashi's tongue felt cool as it glided back up to his mouth.

"Suck it, 'Ruka," came the order as he felt the same tongue push past his lips. Iruka obeyed immediately, humiliated by his own desperation. Kakashi knew every button to push and every command to give to make him plead for more, more, then beg for release. His body was already on the edge of pain, every muscle taut with anticipation when Iruka felt a hand slowly wrap around his cock. He gave a loud pant and grit his teeth to keep from coming as Kakashi began stroking him, the pressure perfect, the motion perfect, everything perfect.

"Had enough?" The words felt harsh, like sandpaper against his heart, but his body was suffering even more. His skin shuddered as fingers slipped between him and Kakashi's lap and pressed into his entrance. His breathing degraded into short, irregular bursts as he felt those fingers going deeper, probing for the bundle of nerves along his inner wall. Iruka barely had time to gasp before Kakashi found the sensitive bump and gave it a stroke in time with his cock.

It was instant and blinding. He came between them in hard, breathtaking waves, making a mess of both of their bodies. His release soon loosened its grip on his muscles and he slumped forward, trying to catch his breath, his insides feeling like watery pudding as his head came to rest on Kakashi's neck. As he felt the man's slow, steady breathing, something inside him seized up, sobering him immediately. For the first time, Iruka felt the hot flush of release along with the cold reality that Kakashi hadn't shown the least sign of arousal the entire time.

Simply and honestly put, his heart ached.

Kakashi wrapped an arm around Iruka's waist and they slid off the table. He pulled off his hitae-ate and the mask around his neck and stuffed them in his pocket.

"Let's go clean up, hm?" Kakashi suggested. "I'll run you a bath." Iruka noted that his voice seemed kinder than usual, or was it pity?

"Yeah," he agreed as he walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of his bed. He listened to the tap creak open and water crash into the tub. Pity, huh? Iruka flopped forward and put his head between his knees. Had it really come to this? Begging for pity fucks from the man he loved more than anything, completely unable to let go even though he knew Kakashi was in like or love or whatever with someone else... not that the idiot would ever admit it openly. "Emotionally stunted asshole" he grumbled at the floor.

An extra set of feet came into view. "Bath is ready!" came a chirpy announcement from above. A foot kicked at his. "Come on, I'll even throw in a free back scrub."

"Yeah, yeah," Iruka grumbled as he got up and shuffled into the bathroom. He lowered himself into the bath and Kakashi took a seat facing him on the adjacent lidded toilet. Iruka sighed as the hot water numbed his nerves and he stared blankly at the opposite wall as dark thoughts began hijacking his mind. They sat in silence. Kakashi's long legs were stretched out as he picked lint and dried bodily fluids off his pants while Iruka just crept further and further into the water as he felt himself drown in his own thoughts.

Finally, Kakashi scratched at his collarbone and sighed. "You wanna know why, right?" he asked, breaking the silence. "Why him, why not you..."

Iruka bent his knees and hugged them.

"I don't hate you, Iruka."

Iruka scowled.

"Well, I could just repeat everything from before, but you've already heard it... and you of all people should know there's no logic to this kind of thing..."

"But if she reminds you of Rin, doesn't that mean you're just still in love with Rin?"

"I told you there's more than that..." he mumbled irritably. "I'm not sure you'd even call it 'love', what Rin and I did. In any case, we shouldn't have done it, but even after so many years, neither of us got over losing Obito, and we didn't know how else to cope. They say time heals all wounds but that saying, as it turns out, is a crock of shit. Maybe we got weaker or the wounds got bigger... I still think if I just had a little more strength or self-control, she might not have... She might still be here." He smiled at Iruka. "But it's not productive to dwell on those things. Although..." Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck thoughtfully. "I'll say this. I seriously thought Sakura would manipulate Naruto into trying harder to get Sasuke back or maybe even use him as a replacement... or quit shinobi life entirely," he added, "but she didn't do either. Instead she grew stronger, and I guess I'm a little impressed."

"I respect Sakura-chan, too, but we lost our families," Iruka interjected. "All she lost was a school-girl crush. It was like a break-up!"

"I'm sure _you_ can imagine how hard that is... And Sasuke was like family to her."

Iruka leaned forward, sloshing the water. "I'm _not_ a school-girl," he mumbled, dejectedly. "How many times have I told you 'I love you' without even once hearing it from you, even though I know-"

"Iruka..." Kakashi warned.

"I know you loved me. You loved Rin and Obito and Minato and-"

"And they're dead." he spat, his voice venomous and hinted at a deep bitterness bubbling to the surface. Iruka saw the spark of emotion in Kakashi's open eye and it sent a tingle down his spine. It made him dread the words he was about to say.

"So were you going to wait until we're all dead before you tell us you love us, too?" The words were said quietly but reverberated through the tiny bathroom as if a hundred voices accused in unison.

There was a pause before Kakashi's hushed reply. "The second I admit it, we're all as good as dead." With that, he got up and walked out.

Iruka leaned over the tub after him. "Oi! My back scrub! You proooomised!" He held a soapy washcloth in his outstretched hand.

Kakashi walked back in. "Fine, fine." He took it and proceeded to scrub Iruka's back methodically. Iruka had memorised the pattern long ago. Horizontal strokes across the shoulders and vertical ones down his lower back.

"It's your own fault, you know. You never take things seriously until you're mad. I have to piss you off just to get you to listen to me," Iruka lectured.

Kakashi poured water over Iruka's back a couple times and handed him a towel. "You should get out. It's bedtime."

Iruka pulled the plug and towelled off his hair as he stepped out of the tub. In the bedroom, he heard Kakashi rummaging through his underwear drawer.

"Panty thief," he accused, sticking his head out the bathroom door.

"I'm borrowing an undershirt!" He brandished a plain white t-shirt as proof.

"Reading those Icha Icha books really puts some bad ideas into your... What are you doing?" The question was referring to the blanket and pillow Kakashi was dragging out into the living room.

"I'm sleeping on the couch."

"The bed's still big enough for two people..."

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Kakashi asked rhetorically.

"C'mon, Kakashi. It gets cold in the living room."

"I'll be fine."

"...please?"

Kakashi stopped and eyed the brunette warily before hanging his head in defeat. He put the blanket back in the drawer and threw the pillow on the bed before accepting the pre-pasted toothbrush Iruka offered to him. When he finished brushing his teeth, he stopped himself before putting it in the cup with Iruka's. It hadn't escaped his notice that it was his old toothbrush from when they had been together. "So it was a bad idea after all..." he mumbled to himself as he put the toothbrush back in the drawer. Well, if this works, it'll be worth it, he thought.

The shirt was tight in the shoulders and he was still wearing his pants, but he turned off the light and slipped into bed next to Iruka. Out of habit, he peeked through his sharingan and scanned the room before closing both eyes to invite sleep.

"Hey, Kakashi?"

"What?"

"Even if it's not with me... I want to see you happy."

In the dark, Iruka felt Kakashi stir. He felt fingertips against his neck and lips against his own. The kiss was sweet, but laden with so much sadness. I'm sorry, it said. I love you. I need you. But I'm screwed up, and it's not enough.

It was with that kiss that Iruka's aching heart finally broke.


End file.
